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LENA RIVERS 

By MARIE DOR, /IN 

This popular and successful comedy drama is now issued 
in a copyrighted edition. It contains all the plots and 
complete stage directions, is arranged for 5 male and 4 
female characters, runs 2^ hours and has 2 simple in- 
terior; scenes. 

LOW ROYALTY 

Price 33 cents per copy 



Kathleen Mavourneen 

New Copyrighted Version. This well-known Irish favor- 
ite entirely revised and rewritten by Marie Doran, and 
so simplified in stage settings that it can be readily pro- 
duced by amateurs and stock companies. Low Royalty 
for Professional Performances. 8 male and 3 female 
characters. Runs 2 hours ; i interior and i exterior 
scene. 

Price 25 cents per copy 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street, New York 



ABSENT MINDED 

A Sketch in One Act 



Adapted by 
CLARENCE I. FREED 



Copyright, 1920, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



I 



^sp 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 ^esey Street iNew York 



Absent Minded 



-^^^^ 



CHARACTERS 



Captain Marshall 

Jack His son 

Major Barnes 

Alice His daughter 

Time. — To-day. Locality. — A country town. 

Time of Playing. — Thirty minutes. 

COSTUMES 
Modern. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Newspaper, ash-tray, spectacles, smoking- jacket, 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by performer on the stage facing the audience, 
D. R. signifies door right ; D. l., door left ; d. c, door center 
of rear flat ; up, toward back of stage ; down, toward foot- 
lights. 



©cm 



55747 



TMP92-009313 

OCT T2 1920 




Absent Minded 



SCENE. — Living-room of Major Barnes' home, ar- 
ranged with table, chairs, hat-rack, ornaments as 
may he available. Doors right, left and center. 
DISCOVERED Alice at table reading newspaper, 

ENTER Jack d. c. 

Jack. Alice ! 

Alice. Oh! Jack! {Rises) How you frightened 
me ! 

Jack. Aren't you glad to see me? 

Alice. Of course I am, silly, but you should be a little 
more careful. We mustn't be seen together so often. 

Jack. Why not ? 

Alice. It sets people talking. And then there's 
father 

Jack. Oh! yes, I know — ^but how long ago is it that 
we have seen each other? It seems almost an age. 

Alice. Why, Jack, you saw me only yesterday. 

Jack. True, but I never got a chance to talk to you. 

Alice. Well, was it my fault ? You know that father 
seldom stirs out of the house, and so I am compelled to 
wait on him or else pass the time reading these horrid 
old newspapers. But listen. Jack, I have news for you. 

Jack. What is it ? 

Alice. My father wants me to get married. 

Jack. What ! Married ! To whom ? 

Alice. Oh, to an old friend of the family. Sixty, if 
he's a day. 

Jack. Well, that's news ! But is it settled? 

Alice. No, for to-day a letter came announcing the 
death of my prospective bridegroom. 
3 



4 Absent Minded 

Jack. That reminds me What do yon suppose 

my father wanted me to do ? Why, he actually tried to 
force me to marry a rich girl, a girl he had chosen for 
me, but to my luck, she eloped with another man. 

Alice. Good! That leaves us free once more. 

Jack. Yes, free to marry ea-ch other. 

Alice. Ah ! Jack, if we only could 

Jack. Well, what is there to prevent us? 

Alice. Oh ! many things. For one, we must get our 
fathers' consent. 

Jack. That's nothing to worry about. Alice, you 
know that your father, the Major, and my dad, the Cap- 
tain, are the best of friends. 

Alice. Yes — but your father is not as well off as he 
used to be. He is a comparatively poor man. That 
makes a difference — and that is why he was compelled to 
move out of this house 

Jack. Yes, I know — ^your father moved into it a week 
later. 

Alice. And what is more, we are able to pay our rent 
without any difficulty. I shouldn't wonder that this 
knowledge would hurt your father's feelings. 

Jack. Nonsense, my dad has probably forgotten all 
about that, for you know how absent-minded he is. 

Alice. He can't be worse than my father. Then, 
there's another thing — there was a loan negotiated be- 
tween them about six months ago. 

Jack. What loan? 

Alice. Why, ^yq hundred dollars on a note. 

Jack. Yes, I remember now. Dad was rather hard 
pressed for money at the time. 

Alice. And you know that lending money is not fa- 
vorable to friendship. 

Jack. Alice! everything will come out all right. I 
got a raise last week. I'm getting twenty-five dollars 
per, almost enough to settle down upon. What do you 
say, Alice? 

Alice. I have my doubts. 

Jack. Nonsense; we'll furnish a home of our own on 



Absent Minded 5 

the installment plan — the fixings and everything — {Rises 
and CROSSES to d. l. ) By Jove, that used to be my room, 
my library. ( Opens d. l. ) 

Alice [interposing). Stop! don't you dare to enter 
that room. 

Jack. At least, let me look at it. "Why, that was my 
bachelor den only a week ago. You see (Pointing off 
L.) there underneath that window stood my writing 
desk. And now what do I see there ? 

Alice. A sewing machine. 

Jack. To be sure ! Directly opposite hung your pic- 
ture — ^your picture. 

Alice. Well, I should hope it wasn't some other girl's 
picture. 

Jack. No, it was your face — that looked down upon 
me. (Crosses r.) And what is this room? (Pointing 

0#R.) 

Alice. That is my father's library. 

Jack (opening d. r.). What do I see? Books, books, 
nothing but books. Why, that is where dad kept all his 
fire-arms, swords, bayonets and other weapons. It was 
his armory. 

Alice. Indeed! And now the mice have a regular 
picnic in there. Shakespeare and Shelley are their fa- 
vorite authors — but heavens! What's that I hear — 
someone is coming up-stairs. I'm afraid it's father. 

Jack. What am I to do ? Have you a screen handy ? 

Alice. No, stay right where you are ! 

ENTER D. c. Captain Marshall. 

Jack (aside, to Alice) . Why, it 's my father I 

Alice. Good heavens ! 

Captain (c). Ah! What do I see? Miss Barnes 
paying a visit to my son. 

Alice (puzzled). I don't understand, Captain. 

Capt. I am surprised to see you calling on a young 
man in his own house. But I suppose it's in keeping 
with the times— woman's emancipation as they call it. 



6 Absent Minded 

Jack (aside to Alice). He thinks he is at home. 

Alice. Captain Marshall, permit me 

Capt. No, I shan't permit any such thing. I honor 
your father and respect the good name of his only daugh- 
ter. 

Jack. But you are making a mistake, dad; don't you 
see 

Capt. Silence! you fool! I know that you are to 
blame for this. Failing to get permission to visit her at 
her own house, you persuaded her to come here. 

Alice. If you please, Captain Marshall, I'm not so 
easily persuaded. 

Capt. Then, I take it, you came here of your own ac- 
cord. That's worse still. 

Jack. Why, dad, don't you see that you are 

Capt. Not welcome ; so much is plain. 

Jack. Don't you understand? The Major is not at 
home and 

Capt. And so Miss Barnes steals out of the house to 
meet her lover ; but I am ready to forgive you this time. 
However, Miss Barnes must never see you again. This 
shall be the parting of the ways. 

Alice. Very well. I'll go. (Aside to Jack) I 
leave you. Jack, to square things with father. 

[EXIT D. L. 

Capt. Is she gone? 

Jack. Yes, dad. 

Capt. Thank heaven ! 

Jack. Now, let me tell you, dad, that Miss Barnes 
has been treated most shamefully. 

Capt. What's that? 

Jack. You have grossly insulted her. 

Capt. She deserves no less! To think that she can 
mistake an old man's counsel for insult. 

Jack. But, good Lord, dad, don 't you realize that we 
are not in our own house ? 

Capt. It makes little difference whether the house is 
ours or merely rented. Besides, that is beside the point. 

Jack. In that case, dad, I think I had better go. 



Absent Minded 7 

Capt. Stop! You stay here. You shan't stir out of 
the house. 

Jack. All right. 

Capt. I know you, young man. You want to follow 
her. Her father is not at home — you would spend an 
entire evening with her, unmindful of her good name 
and your own duty to your bride. 

Jack. Bride? What bride? 

Capt. You scoundrel! Is this your reward for all 
my pains in choosing a bride for you — a girl — who is 
both rich and beautiful? 

Jack. But have you forgotten 

Capt. Silence ! And now you would compromise an 
innocent girl — but I owe it as a duty to my brother-in- 
arms, my comrade, to shield the honor of his daughter — 
and so I forbid you to leave the house. 

Jack. Oh ! Have it your own way. 

Capt. And to make sure of you, I will lock you up in 
your room. 

Jack. In my room ? 

Capt. Yes, now, come along. 

Jack. For heaven 's sake, dad. 

Capt. You are my prisoner, not a word. 

Jack (pointing l.). In that room? 

Capt. Yes. You'll find plenty of books to kill time 
with. 

Jack. Well, if you insist 

Capt. Don't try my patience. In with you! 
(Pushes Jack in l., locks door and puts key in pocket, 
GOES to rack, takes off coat and puts on smoking -jacket, 
CROSSES to L. of table, puts on spectacles, picks up news- 
paper) Curious! Can't see through my own glasses. 
I feel better without them. (Reads) ''Cubans revolt 
against Spanish Tyranny." Why — ^what's this? '* Ad- 
miral Dewey hailed as the national hero. Given free- 
dom of the city." That's strange — Ahem! Curious! 
very curious! 



8 Absent Minded 

ENTER D. c. Major Barnes. 

Major (crosses l. without seeing Captain Marshall). 
Where is my smoking- jacket? {Takes off coat and de- 
posits it on rack) Aha! Who is here? Most honor- 
able and worthy Captain, how do you do ? 

Capt. You are welcome. 

Major. And you also, Captain. Been here long? 

Capt. Oh ! About a quarter of an hour. 

Major. I see you have made yourself quite comfort- 
able. 

Capt. Certainly, when I am at home, I am always in 
the habit of wearing my smoking- jacket. 

Major. What's that? You don't mean to tell me 
that you're at home. 

Capt. Ha! Ha! Ha! Of course. Of course! 

Major. I beg your pardon, but at first I was under 
the impression that I had returned to my own house, and 
so being somewhat absent-minded, you see, I have taken 
my coat off. (Crosses fo racA;) 

Capt. Don't mention it ! I know of old that you are 
rather absent-minded. 

Major. Yes, and it distresses me, Captain, and I trust 
you will forgive me. {Puts on Captain's coat) 

Capt. Oh! Forget it! Be seated. Major. I see by 
the papers that the Cubans are rebelling against Spanish 
tyranny. 

Major. Tut! Tut! Why, sir, we fought those 
Spaniards to a finish and licked them, too, by George. 

Capt. Strange ! but here, read it for yourself. 

Major. Allow me. Why, this paper is dated 1898. 

Capt. So it is. 

Major. But tell me, Captain, how do you come by 
this old newspaper ? 

Capt. Bless me! if I know. Most likely it was left 
here by my son. 

Major. A paper like this is truly a touching sight. 

Capt. Yes, Major, one cannot read it without shed- 
ding a tear. 



Absent Minded 9 

Major. It brings back to me the recollections of the 
past. Indeed ! those were happy times. Nowadays, it is 
kind of hard to scrape along on a pension. 

Capt. Very hard, Major. I know it from my own 
bitter experience. In the old days, the choicest wine 
and the most select brands of whiskey were to be had for 
the asking, but now all I can afford is — grape juice. 
Formerly I'd wear silk-embroidered dressing gowns — 
and my smoking- jacket was of pure wool — but now, as 
you see, it 's made of cheap shoddy. 

Major. Why, Captain Marshall, unless I'm greatly 
mistaken you are even now wearing a pure woolen smok- 
ing- jacket. 

Capt. What! Why — ^yes, to be sure! This is a 
woolen smoking- jacket. 

Major. And if my eyesight can be trusted, it is even 
my own smoking-jacket. 

Capt. Devil take me! How do I come to be wear- 
ing it? 

Major. Ahem! I believe, my good Captain, I'm in 
my own house after all. 

Capt. Is it possible? 

Major. Nay, it's true. You forget that you moved 
out of this house a week ago. 

Capt. And you moved in. By Jove, you're right. I 
beg your pardon. Major. 

Major. Don't mention. it. I know of old that you are 
rather absent-minded. 

Capt. Yes, but it distresses me. The wrong house, 
the wrong smoking-jacket. (Crosses to rack, takes off 
jacket and puts on Major's coat) 

Major. No matter. It 's good to see you again under 
any circumstances. 

Capt. The pleasure is all mine, Major; you can't 
imagine how greatly I am indebted to you. 

Major. Indebted! Oh, yes, to be sure! you refer to 
the five hundred dollars you owe me on a note. In re- 
gard to that, there is no hurry. 

Capt. What do you say? Or note? 



10 Absent Minded 

Major. Yes. Have you forgotten about the loan you 
negotiated with me about six months ago — for which you 
gave me your note ? 

Capt. By Jove ! you 're right. Major, when does the 
payment on this note fall due ? 

Major. To-day. 

Capt. To-day? And I have done nothing. Major, 
excuse me, I must attend to this matter at once. I 'm off 
to raise the money. 

Major. There is no hurry, Captain. I am not hard 
pressed, and besides, you have several days' grace. 

Capt. Not at all! I may be poor but I believe in 
paying my debts like a gentleman. This very evening 
I shall have the honor to wait on you. [EXIT d. c. 

Major (rather uncomfortable) . Confound the tailor ! 
This coat is as tight as a strait- jacket. (Calling) Alice! 
Alice! Where are you? Alice! Why don't you come 
when you 're called ? 

Alice (ojf stage l.). I can't! I'm locked in! 

Major. Locked in ! How is that ? 

Alice (off stage) . The spring caught in the lock. 

Major. Ahem ! I suspect something. Are you alone ? 
Take care ! If I find a young man — ^now — come out here. 

Alice (offstage). I can't. 

Major. You can't, eh? Why, where 's the key? 

Alice. I don't know. You must have it in your 
pocket. 

Major. Nonsense! As if I could be so forgetful. 
(Looks in coat pocket) Why, bless me! Here it is! 
(Takes key and applies it to d. l.) 

Alice. Please don't. 

Major. What ! 

Alice. Wait just a minute. 

Major. Come right out at once. (Opens d. l.) 

ENTER D. L. Alice, followed by Jack in female disguise, 
with face covered by veil. 

Major. Ah ! Who is this ? 



Absent Minded 11 

Alice. My dressmaker, Miss Garrison — my father, 
Major Barnes. 

Major. Delighted, I *m sure. Hm ! A charming girl ! 
Alice, haven't I seen this young lady before? 

Alice. No, father! She only recently began busi- 
ness. 

Major. So! And how do you like it here, Miss 
Garrison? (Jack hows but says nothing) Ah! That 
means you do like it. Wait a minute. Don't go yet. I 
may have some work for you. {Aside, to Alice) 
Please leave me alone with Miss Garrison. Now go, my 
child. 

Alice. But, dear father, I've already ordered all the 
dresses I need. 

Major. Ah, for your bridal outfit. 

Alice. Maybe. 

Major. Good! Now go, please. I'll have my own 
way in this. Go into the kitchen. I expect the Captain 
to dine with us this evening. He is very fond of griddle 
cakes. Be a good girl, and have some ready when he 
arrives. 

Alice. But I 've never made griddle cakes and I don't 
know how. 

Major. Why, that's easy. Go into my library. 
There you will find Lady Gregory's Cook Book with full 
information — now, run along. 

Alice. But, dear father 

Major. Do as I tell you. (EXIT Alice d. r. Jack 
makes a move toward d, c.) Wait! Ah! Come here, 
my pretty little girl ! Now, don 't turn away your head. 
(CJiucks Jack under chin) ' Why, she's got a beard! 
Ah! It's a man! {Tears off veil) 

Jack. I beg your pardon. 

Major. Who are you? 

Jack. I am Captain Marshall's son and I love your 
daughter Alice. 

Major. Oh, you love her, do you? Are you mad, 
sir ? What do you mean by this secret meeting ? 

Jack. It was purely an accident, sir. 



12 Absent Minded • 

Major. And the locked door? Was tHat also aii 
accident 1 

Jack. But on my honor 

Major {snaps his fingers). That for your honor. 
You are a spy, sir, in the enemy's camp, else how comes 
it you are disguised, sir ? 

Jack. I feared that appearances were against me and 
that you might commit an outrage if I were discovered. 

Major. And 111 do it, too. 

Jack. Well, to save you annoyance 

Major. What ! 

Jack. Alice lent me this disguise — the veil and this 
wig. 

Major. And this veil shall be my witness against you. 
(Hastily puts veil in pocket) I shall demand full satis- 
faction. 

Jack. At least, Major, you might spare the honor of 
your innocent daughter. 

Major. Innocent! Innocent! I will spare no one. 
The entire family shall know of this ! I will call a fam- 
ily council. In the meantime you shall not stir from 
this house. 

Jack. Oh, 111 be on hand when occasion requires. 
(Makes move to go) 

Major. Stop! You stay right here, in my house — 
and to make sure of you, I'll lock you up until the 
family arrives. 

Jack. Lock me up? (Crosses r.) 

Major. Yes, young man. Here in my library — there 
you will find good literature. 

Jack. Oh! I shan't mind it, sir. 

Major. You haven't much longer to live, young 
man, so best use your time to advantage. 

Jack. Leave that to me, sir. (Major pushes Jack 
out R. and closes door) 

REENTER d. c. Captain Marshall. 

Capt. Well, here I am again. Major. 
Major. I see you are come just in time- 



Absent Minded 13 

Capt. Yes, think of it, Major. Here IVe been run- 
ning around to raise the money for you only to discover 
that the note is already paid. 

Major. How do you mean? Paid? 

Capt. IVe found the note in my pocket, so I sup- 
pose the note is paid. 

Major. In your pocket ? 

Capt. Here it is. {Takes out note) 

Major {taking note). Yes, to be sure. Well, as 
you've found the note in your pocket, I should judge 
that your indebtedness to me is cancelled. 

Capt. So it appears. 

Major. Your pardon, Captain. Very thoughtless of 
me, to be sure. 

Capt. You were just a trifle absent-minded, that 's all. 

Major. You're right. It's too bad, but a good 
memory seldom goes with old age. Now, for example, I 
am fully aware that when you entered this room I had 
something of importance to tell you, but to save my neck 
I can't recall what it was. 

Capt. I take it something in reference to the late war. 

Major. No, no. The war news is so tinreliable. 

Capt. Ah ! If we were only in active service, Major, 
we might make history repeat itself. 

Major. By George ! we can fight even now, and show 
these young upstarts our mettle, eh ? You remember the 
siege of Manila, when a musket-ball came whizzing past 
me and caught you right here in the chest, eh? {Stops 
short) What do I see? a decoration. 

Capt. What makes you stare at me so? 

Major. I congratulate you, Captain. I wasn't aware 
of the fact that you had won a medal for heroism in 
action. 

Capt. A medal ? Oh, yes, to be sure, but bless me if 
I understand it. How did I come by this medal ? 

Major. Well, if you don't know, who should? Ha! 
Ha! 

Capt. And why have you taken off your medal? I 
thought you never go without it. 



14 Absent Minded 

Major. I seldom take it off. I shall continue to wear 
it in my grave. 

Capt. Excuse me, but I fail to see any medal on you 
at present. 

Major. What ! you don 't really mean it. 

Capt. I do! Major, you've been a trifle absent- 
minded and put on my coat. 

Major. You're right, and you put on mine. 

Capt. Your pardon, Major. 

Major. Don't mention it. You were only a trifle 
absent-minded. Ha! Ha! Ha! {They exchange coats) 

Capt. This is something that seldom happens to 
me. 

Major. Now as it is, doesn't it strike you that this 
completely alters the situation with regard to the note ? 

Capt. You're right. Major. Now the case is clear. 
The note is not yet paid. What a fool I am, losing valu- 
able time, getting myself all out of breath and working 
myself into a perspiration. {Takes out veil from pocket) 
Excuse me, but this is a queer handkerchief. It must be 
yours. 

Major. Ah?! I have it. I knew I had something to 
tell you. Well, sir, I want to tell you this — your son is 
not a gentleman. 

Capt. What? 

Major. I repeat. He is not a gentleman, lor he has 
sought to compromise the honor of my daughter. 

Capt. How so ? 

Major. At sight of this veil, I feel my blood boiling 
within me. 

Capt. At sight of this veil ? 

Major. Can you guess to whom this veil belongs? 

Capt. No. 

Major. My daughter. 

Capt. So! 

Major. And can you guess upon whose accursed head 
I found it? 

Capt. Most likely on your daughter's head. 

Major. No, by my honor, on the head of your son. 



I 



Absent Minded 16 

Capt. Well, if this is all, a girl's veil in the posses- 
sion of a young man 

Major. But I found your son locked up in that room. 
(Pointing l.) 

Capt. In that room? Why, certainly, I locked him 
up myself. 

Major. In my daughter's room 

Capt. Pardon me. It has been my son's these two 
years. 

Major. But, Captain, are you still under the im- 
pression that you are in your own house? 

Capt. Your pardon, my mistake. I must confess that 
when I locked them up, I was a trifle absent-minded. 

Major. I mean no offense, Captain, but don't you 
think this absent-mindedness of yours is carrying you 
too far? To lock up two youngsters like that together 
is, to say the least, going too far. Fortunately, I found 
the key in my pocket. 

Capt. That's odd! I thought I put it in mine. 

Major. Our pockets are getting a trifle mixed to-day. 

Capt. Very true. Major, but this much is clear — we 
mustn't permit the young couple to remain together any 
longer. 

Major. I took good care of that, Captain. I'm not 
as absent-minded as you are, and am more careful, and 
so I 've locked your son in my library — see for yourself. 
(Searches pocket for key) Where's my key? 

Capt. Ah ! Absent-minded again. Major. Ha ! Ha ! 
The key is in my pocket. (Takes out key) 

Major. You're right. 

Capt. (^handing key over). Major, in handing you 
this key, it seems as if I were surrendering the key of a 
fortress. 

Major. Ah ! Doubtless you are referring to the siege 
of Santiago in the Spanish- American War. 

Capt. Yes, our regiment of Kough Riders certainly 
distinguished itself, eh? 

Major. I should say so. Why, we stood knee-deep in 
water in the trenches. 



16 Absent Minded 

Capt. a giant bomb exploded right in front of my 
nose. 

Major. I was severely wounded, but refused to quit 
the field. 

Capt. Ah! We repulsed the enemy from all sides. 
On the right a band of Mexican guerrillas 

Major. Excuse me, they were Spanish regulars. 

Capt. I beg your pardon, Major. I tell you it was a 
band of Mexican guerrillas that charged us on the right. 

Major. What ! I ought to know better. 

Capt. Why, I stood my ground in the trenches all 
day and night. 

Major. And where do you suppose I stood, behind 
a fence? 

Capt. Let me show you. {Pointing to table) Here 
is San Juan Hill, here El Caney. Here is the harbor; 
here stood our troops under General Shafter, and over 
here our gallant Rough Riders. 

Major. Not so, Captain, the Rough Riders were sta- 
tioned on this side. 

Capt. What are you thinking of, Major? The ob- 
servation tower was situated here — it was riddled with 
grape-shot, and behind the tower 

Major. Why, the tower, my dear Captain, was a good 
deal further left. 

Capt. But I can see it all before me as if it were yes- 
terday. 

Major. If only I had a pencil and paper, I could 
show you. Wait a minute. {Takes paper and pencil 
from pocket and tears off a portion) You see, here is 
San Juan Hill. Here El Caney. Here the observation 
tower. Here are the trenches where stood our gallant 
Rough Riders before making their gallant charge. 

Capt. No, I tell you, the trenches stood over here. 
Let me show you. {Tears off another piece of paper) 

Major. No, Captain, let me show you once more. 
{Tears off another piece) 

Capt. Your pardon. Major. I notice now that you 
have accidentally torn up my note. 



Absent Minded 17 

MAJOit. By George, so I did! 

Capt. Oh! It doesn't matter. Between men of 
honor, scraps of paper are unnecessary. 

Major. To be sure — but it distresses me. How could 
I be so absent-minded ! 

Alice ( off stage r. ) . Father ! 

Capt. Do you hear that? Your daughter is calling 
you. 

Major. "Well, what is it? 

Alice. How about the griddle cakes? 

Major. Never mind. Captain, we had better get 
your son out of here as quickly as possible. {Unlocks 

D. R.) 

ENTER D. R. Jack and Alice. 

Major. Great Scott! They're together again! How 
came you in that room ? 

Alice. Why, you locked me in yourself. 

Major. But why should I do anything so foolish? 

Alice. I don't know — you sent me to consult a cook 
book and then Jack came to help me out. 

Major. Help you out? With a cook book? Damn 
it ! Now I see it all ! 

Capt. Ha! Ha! They've turned the tables on you 
this time. 

Jack. Say, dad, put in a good word for me. I'm 
simply crazy for Alice. 

Capt. You certainly must be. Why, you fool, haven't 
I chosen a bride for you already ? 

Jack. Certainly, but she eloped with another man. 

Capt. With another man? 

Jack. Yes, here is her letter. {Hands letter to 
Captain) 

Capt. {after scanning letter) . You're quite right, my 
son. Well, Major, under the circumstances, as we find 
some difficulty in keeping the young couple apart, we 
might as weU have them united, as we are both a trifle 
absent-minded, you know* 



IS Absent Minded 

Major. Very true. I have nothing against the match, 
but as it happens, my daughter is already engaged. 

Alice. Father ! What are you talking about ! Why, 
my fiance is dead. 

Major. What? Dead? 

Alice. Yes, here 's the death notice. {Shows clipping) 

Major. True, I've clean forgotten it. 

Jack. Major, I want to marry your daughter. Have 
I your consent? 

Major. Well, what can I do, Captain ? We Ve locked 
them up twice before, so we might as well lock them up 
for good. 



CURTAIN 



New plays 



LODGERS TAKEN IN 

A comedy In 3 acts, by Levin 0. Tees. 6 male, 4 female characters, also 2 
supernumeraries. 1 interior scene. Time, about 2i hours. Costumes of 
to-day. A husband with a strong' case of the " g-reen-eyed monster " talcingr 
a trip abroad with his wife, places his home in charge of his ne'er-do-well 
nephew. By connivance the valet of the house and the nephew rent the 
rooms to a very mixed class of tenants, whose diversified characters present 
great opportunity for comedy acting. The dialogue is very bright, the ac- 
tion continuous and the situations most laughable. This is adapted from 
the same work upon which William Gillette's famous " All the Comforts of 
Home " Is based, with all the comedy parts retained, but the remainder 
brought down for a smaller cast and shorter time. 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

HELD FOR POSTAGE 

A rural farce comedy in 2 acts, by Robert Henry Diehl. 4 male, 3 female 
characters. 1 interior scene, very simple. Time, H hours. Uncle Oliver, 
leading old man, and his wife are of the " Old Homestead " type of Yankee 
farmers. Jerusha the town gossip, the town constable and the selectman, 
contribute the many humorous episodes. The juvenile leads, male and 
female, are both very effective. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

ROSEBROOK FARM 

A rural comedy in 3 acts, by Arolyn Caverly Cutting. 6 male, 9 female 
characters. 1 interior and 1 exterior scene. Time, If hours. Costumes of 
to-day. Old man, Yankee farmer and three good character parts for the 
men. A negro maid, some spinsters and an excellent soubrette part for 
the ladies. Easily staged. A very superior play for amateurs. 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES 

A farcical comedy in 4 acts, by Jos. H. Slater. 5 male, 3 female char- 
acters. Costumes of to-day. 2 interior scenes, both simple. Time, a full 
evening. Peter's troubles are caused largely by his desire to oblige his 
friends, and are of a social, financial and business character. He is em- 
ployed in the law office of two typical unscrupulous pettifoggers, Grubbins 
& Bundy, who endeavor to appropriate Doris Chester's fortune, but in the 
end are foiled by Peter. Betsy, the comedy lead, shares with Peter in the 
fun making, as well as Adolphus Gudgeon, the English dude. Selwyn 
Kilby, a struggling artist, has the juvenile lead and has difficulty in es- 
caping the wiles of the widow, Mrs. Barrington. Easily staged. Sure to 
please. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

FUN IN THE FARM HOUSE 

An entertainment in 1 act, by Eleanor Maud Crane, 11 male, 12 female 
characters, and children. The number of characters may be decreased or 
Increased to suit circumstances. One stage setting. Costumes varied. 
This entertainment is presented in a series of tableaux, simply or elabo- 
rately given. Any one or more tableaux may be omitted, or tableaux es- 
pecially suiting specific occasions may be substituted. Music, vocal oi 
instrumental, recitations, etc., may be introduced. Time, 1 hour, or more^ 
tocording to number of tableaux used, 

PRICE 25 CENTS 



FARCES 



TANGLES 

Farce in One Act. Four MaleSs Two Females 
By C. Leona Dalrymplh 
0«e interior scene. Bill Tracy accepts Mrs. Janeway's Invitation t* 
ainner, intended for his cousin, Phil. Tracy, who is Jack Janeway'i 
ehym. Elsie, her maid, advertised for a husband under the soubriquet 
Of " Bright Eyes." Jenkins, Bill's valet, answers it as X. Y. Z. '■le 
mistakes in identity get them into a tangle of surprises, finally ua- 
raveled by Jack, who arrives opportunely. The " situations " are 
tremendously funny and keep the audience in roars of laughter. 
Plays forty-five minutes. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A NIGHT IN TAPPAN 

Farce in One Act. Two Males, Three Females 
By O. B. Dubois 
One interior scene. The action commences at 10 : 45 P. M., on tht 
arrival of Mr. and Mrs. John Betts, quite unexpectedly, at the homb 
of Mr. Augustus Betts, while Mrs. Augustus Betts is awaiting her 
husband's return from the city. The complications caused by a saucy, 
blundering, Irish servant, Mr. Augustus being entirely ignorant of 
the new arrivals, are screamingly bewildering. Plays about thirty 
minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

KISSING THE WRONG GIBL 

Farce in One Act. One Male, Two Females 
By W. C. Parker 
No scenery needed. It is the case of a " cheeky '* book-agent, two 
sisters who look much alike, all sorts of funny mistakes, and any 
number of ridiculous situations, that will keep the audience in a con- 
tinuous roar of laughter. The piece can be played either " straight " 
or with specialties. Plays about thirty minutes. 
PRICE 15 CENTS 

^^ THE NEW BEPORTER 

Farce in One Act. Six MaleSj Two Females 
By Franklin Johnston 
One interior scene. Hobbs, the proprietor of a newspaper, la 
expecting a new reporter, whom he has engaged on trial. Nancy, 
Hobbs' daughter, persuades her lover, Jack, who is unknown to her 
father, to personify the new reporter, and gets to work. The blunder's 
he makes, and the arrival of Tupper, the real reporter, result in a 
general flare-up, until explanations are made, and Tupper is per- 
suaded by Nancy to retire in favor of Jack. Plays forty-five minutf^, 
PRICE 15 CENTS 

jyrA'S NEW BOARDERS 

Farce in One Act. Four Males^ Four Females 

By W. C. Parker 

No scenery required. Mrs. Holdtight leaves her boarding-house la 

her daughter's charge. Prof. Alto-Gether calls a rehearsal of th^ 

village choir, but gives them the wrong address. The choir turns n 

at Mrs. H.'s, and are mistaken for new boarders. Then follows a. 

uproarious series of incidents that end in the Professor's round-u|^ 

Can b» played " straight " or with specialties. Excellent chauce f«f 

flUagle or fioublt quartette. Plays thirty minutes. 

rEICM 25 SMiTSk 



PLAYS WE RECOMMEND 

Fifteen Cents Each (Postage, 1 Cent Extra) 

Unless Otherwise Mentioned 



Arabian Nig-hts 
Bundle of Matches (27c.) 
Crawford's Claim (27c.) 
Her Ladyship's Niece (27c.) 
Just for Fun (27c.) 

Men, Maids, Matchmakers 
Our Boys 
Puzzled Detective 
Three Hats 
Timothy Delano's 

Courtship 
Up-to-Date Anne 
White Shawl (27c.) 

Fleeing Flyer 
From Punkin' Ridge 
Handy Solomon 
Hoosier School 
Kiss in the Dark 
Larry 
Love Birds' Matrimonial 

Agency 
Married Lovers 
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Mrs. Forester's Crusade 
New Pastor 
Relations 

Standing Room Only 
Stormy Night 
Surprises (27c.) 

Tangles (27c.) 

Little Rogue Next Door 
'Till Three P. M. 
Train to Mauro 
When Women Rule 
Won by a Kodak 
April Fools 
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Little Red Mare 
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Medica 

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Point of View 
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Conspirators (27c.) 

A Day and a Night (27c.) 
Gertrude Mason, M.D. (27c.) 
In Other People's Shoes 
Maidens All Forlorn (27c.) 
Mary Ann 

Romance of Phyllis (27c.) 
Fuss vs. Feathers 
Tanglefoot vs. Peruna 
Great Libel Case 



Farce 
Comedy 
Drama 
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Acts Males Females Time 




Drama 
Farce 



Comedy 
Farce 

Sketch 
Farce 
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Comedy 
Farce 



Comedy 
Dialogue 





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4 


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1 


2 


1 


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3 


4 


4 


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" 


3 


6 


4 


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" 


4 


5 


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" 


2 


3 


8 


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" 


4 


13 


4 


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Farce 


3 


7 


5 


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Drama 


3 


8 


4 


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, 1 Next Door 


Comedy 


3 


5 


4 


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3 


7 


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3 


7 


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Farce 


2' 


8 


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3 


4 


4 


2h 1 


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" 


4 


7 


5 


2h 1 


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Farce 


1 


2 


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50m 1 


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Comedy 


1 


3 


1 


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Drama 


1 


2 


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25m 1 


1 ■ Conquest of Helen 


Comedy 


1 


3 


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Drama 


1 


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1 ' Sheriff of Tuckahoe 


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1 


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3 


4 


7 


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" 


1 


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8 


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15 


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" 


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12 


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Sketch 


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17 


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Comedy 


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13 


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" 


1 


2 


8 


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(■ Sewing Circle Meets 


Entertainment 


1 





10 


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Morality play 


1 





8 


40m ■ 


■ ' Bride and Groom 


Farce 


3 


5 


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2y4h ■ 


1 ■ Last Chance 


Comedy 


2 


2 


12 


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" 


3 


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5 


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Sketch 


1 


3 


1 


20m ■: 


1 ■ Baby Scott 


Farce 


3 


5 


4 


2%h ■ 


1 ■ Billy's Bungalow 


Comedy 


3 


5 


4 


2h ■ 


■ ' College Chums 


" 


3 


9 


3 


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■ Delegates from Denver 


Farce 


2 


3 


10 


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Comedy 


4 


9 


4 


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Farce 


2 


4 


3 


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" 


3 


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Comedy 


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1 


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1 


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" 


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